It has been almost two weeks since my act was committed, and now I am fairly sure of the extent of the aftermath. To my astonishment, not everything is in ruins, though I can feel that the walls of my world still stand only by merit of a few people's continued faith in me. If I do not find some way to act soon I am certain that those walls will collapse under their own weight, and I will have lost my purpose for keeping myself alive. But before I write out my plans, I think I should record some of the events of the past week, and take inventory of people I can depend on.
I seem to now be able to count my friends on a single hand. Math'ra has restrained himself from killing me on sight and has settle to just not speak with me, with good reason. Due anger aside, continuing contact with the one who took Amaterasu may still put him in direct danger with the pirate factions, and since he does not have the luxury of safety in their territory, unlike Leopold and Morwen, I am more glad for this than hurt. I can only pray that they continue to believe that he was not involved in it all; the last thing I need is yet another suffering for my mistake. And Morwen... well, she found my letter, it seems. The original, that is, the one that I thought had burnt with my body that day. At least enough of it survived for her to make reference to the part I wrote to her, saying that I still knew her as well as I did before. I must say it was warming to see her again, saying such things so soon after that fateful day. Yet I do not know if I can believe her. She came to the Basilica yesterday and was cold and terse with me, and as I began to formulate my next course of action, she belittled me, sarcastically accusing me of enjoying my role as a 'vigilante hero'. The mere suggestion that I could enjoy any part of this hellish situation stings to the core, and it forces me to assume that her resentment was only latent. It is just as well, I suppose.
However, still some rays of hope shine through. Hitome still stands by my side, the ever-faithful sister she is. However misguided I believe her affections for me are, never before have I been so glad for them. At least I can always depend on her for moral support. Still, like Math'ra, her consorting with me might catch the eye of the pirates, and now she tells me she has been under pressure from the Ordo with the same complaints I had when I was her Sephirot. Ah, she always manages to make me worry more than be comforted. Esna Pitoojee, that distant True Amarr I sometimes have seen in the Basilica also approached me, asking why I had done it. After I explained I had been deceived he offered his condolences and aid. I am not sure what he could offer, but knowing that at least he, a relative stranger, did not turn on me is reassuring.
Leopold has only become more of an enigma since this all started, and worryingly so. Not one day after Mitara tended to the wound through my hand did he waltz right into the Basilica, somehow having snuck a machete-like blade in (probably because he knows all of the guards), and lopped off my marked appendage amidst assurances that I'd find absolution! After I had it regrown, mark and all, Hitome told me that he took my hand. I could only guess as to what he could have done with it. Up until yesterday I though he had gone utterly mad, and if it were not for the fact that he represented my best chance to know what the Ghosts were up to I would not have gone to meet him again. But, to my surprise, he promised to do everything he could to help me. At the very least I will have some part to play should the Ghosts mobilize to reclaim Amaterasu. While many things about this new Leopold unsettle me, at least I know I still have a brother in him. Still, I'm telling the guards that he is never to be allowed into the Basilica with a weapon again.
And then there is Mitara. I am at a loss for words when it comes to her. She is now everything I have to gain, and everything I have to lose. After the past two weeks a simple truth stares me in the face: I do not deserve her. And yet, even though I have offered her only grief she still takes comfort from me. I cannot understand why she grants such a privilege, especially after our encounter with Vincent Pryce.
It is a nightmarish experience to look one's torturer in the eye again. The horrible memories rushed back when I saw that monster in the Garden, but it was quickly replaced by the same guilt and grief that led me into his grasp the first time. He continued his torment of me, this time verbally in front of Mitara, and I could say nothing to defend myself. Instead Mitara took up the fight for me, which only made me feel more terrible. I turned and left like a coward when I could not deny his most terrible accusation, certain I had lost her forever, my fall complete. Yet she caught up with me soon after and we traveled together back to Lantorn, without a word said between us. Only when she practically dragged me back to her quarters there did she ask why I could not answer. So I told her the truth, and asked to be excused from her sight forever. But instead she asked me another question, and I told the truth again. Perhaps even I was surprised to hear my answer to it.
Thus I still have something to live for, besides vengeance and redemption. I cannot help but think that I really should leave things as they are and simply retreat away from this whole mess. I know it would be better than risking what is still left of my life to correct the uncorrectable. If Mitara has forgiven me, why does it matter if Reimei, Vincent, Verone, or even Amaterasu herself do? But my conscience always snaps my attention back to that mar on my soul. I have already resigned Amaterasu's fate to the worst imaginable; even if she is still alive, what was left of her fragile spirit must have been broken to the point of madness by now. Until that unclean, heretic whore is served true justice, I will not be able to rest. As I have been since I first met Izanami, I am not sure what is the right thing to do. But I know what I will try to do.
Now I can consider my options. I know she is in Delve from what I have heard, but beyond that I know nothing. Either I can wait until one of my few allies comes through with some information, or I can try to lure Izanami out on my own. I am thinking that the only way to do that would be to find a capsuleer she could trust... such as another loyal follower of the Sani Sabik. However, the first problem with this is finding a Sani Sabik capsuleer who has enough ties with the Blood Raiders to be credible as an 'admirer' of Izanami's work. Then, of course, the second obstacle would be to convince them to help me, an Amarrian loyalist. True, not the best around, but just because I have shared drinks with a pirate or two will not get me on any special lists. I only know of two at the moment, one of them being Vaden Khale, the other being a name Morwen dropped the other night at the Basilica. Unfortunately, I do not think either will do, but they are the only leads I have. I will try to find more, but time is against me.
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