Well, it seems another lapse in my writing habit has occurred. I have not touched this journal for over two months now. I do know why this has happened, however. I first started this to serve as an outlet for emotions I could not express elsewhere, and as a record of my thoughts should those emotions lead to my final demise. Yet things have changed, and I now have had to find a different purpose for it. Much has happened in the past months, though the most important of which would be what happened in the weeks after the last entry.
Firstly was the resolution to my old problem, if you could call it a resolution. After my last writing, I was pondering who I could use as a contact to reach Izanami, and having no luck. By this time I was already having second thoughts about even trying to follow through on my resolution; I ended up telling Mitara what I wished to do and she pleaded with me to reconsider. And then one fell into my lap.
Firstly was the resolution to my old problem, if you could call it a resolution. After my last writing, I was pondering who I could use as a contact to reach Izanami, and having no luck. By this time I was already having second thoughts about even trying to follow through on my resolution; I ended up telling Mitara what I wished to do and she pleaded with me to reconsider. And then one fell into my lap.
I decided to confide in someone who I thought would have no hope of helping or even understanding my plight, and yet unexpectedly my assumptions were wrong, almost terribly so. I dare not elaborate in this journal for fear that someone other than I will read this... but it should be known how gladdened, and yet troubled I was. I had some ray of hope that I would be able to recover Amaterasu and bring Izanami to proper justice, but I could not tell at what cost. It could have led to my demise, or the gamble my unexpected contact was taking could have backfired. My plan was almost set to move, but my anxiety about it was as great as ever. And so eventually, as my heart began to cling more to Mitara than to the idea of revenge and I weighed the risks of harm coming to more people than just myself, I abandoned the plan altogether. I ceased to care about Amaterasu, about my past deed and about what might result from it in the future. I felt it was almost cowardly at the time, but as I look back upon it now it was surely the best thing I could have done. Not a week after I had told my contact to call it off did word reach me that Amaterasu had been recovered. I did not hear the full story but I also heard Izanami had been, as expected, captured by Verone. I cannot think of a more cruel or honorless fate for her, but I could not bring myself to feel for her. I only felt sorry that justice had to be dealt by those who do not know the meaning of the word.
But all of this seems so distant now. I cannot believe how little time has passed since then; the memories of it should have crushed me by now. But they have not. I do not lie awake at night tormented by thoughts of what I did, nor am I torn from sleep by nightmares of what was done to me. I have let it pass, something I thought I would never be able to do. I owe this to one person, the only one who could have kept me sane through it all. In fact, Mitara has made me happy. A thousand times happier than I have ever been in the past five years. As in my last entry, I cannot even begin to write about her. However this time it is not because I am not at a loss for words; now if I begin I simply will never finish. Strong yet gentle, noble yet sweet, reliable and yet delightfully surprising, in more ways than one. I swear I could fill up the rest of these pages expounding upon her merits, her beauty, her wondrous vulnerability that she lets no one else see... but off I go again. How I ever lived without her before is beyond me.
The only thing I could complain about our relationship is the conflict it has caused with Captain Laerise Fierach. For reasons that were for a while beyond us, she seems to take a special dislike for me and the fact that Mitara and I are together. After skirting on the wrong side of the line separating decency and insubordination, I decided that I had to control myself rather than let her constant jabs about my race, class and former affiliation with the Ordo get to me. Still, the situation is more complicated than that. Mitara told me something about her having a 'bad experience' with another Ni-Kunni man from the Ordo, which might have explained her attitude towards me. I was immediately stunned when I could only name one other Ni-Kunni in the whole Ordo; Sepherim himself. I found it interesting to find that Laerise had a human side to her, but also disconcerted that somehow Sepherim had wounded it. I questioned him about it when I had the opportunity. He in fact spoke very highly of her, and I must admit he changed my opinion of her somewhat. Still, while I might want to make peace, I think it is just safer to avoid her forked tongue for now.
But all of this seems so distant now. I cannot believe how little time has passed since then; the memories of it should have crushed me by now. But they have not. I do not lie awake at night tormented by thoughts of what I did, nor am I torn from sleep by nightmares of what was done to me. I have let it pass, something I thought I would never be able to do. I owe this to one person, the only one who could have kept me sane through it all. In fact, Mitara has made me happy. A thousand times happier than I have ever been in the past five years. As in my last entry, I cannot even begin to write about her. However this time it is not because I am not at a loss for words; now if I begin I simply will never finish. Strong yet gentle, noble yet sweet, reliable and yet delightfully surprising, in more ways than one. I swear I could fill up the rest of these pages expounding upon her merits, her beauty, her wondrous vulnerability that she lets no one else see... but off I go again. How I ever lived without her before is beyond me.
The only thing I could complain about our relationship is the conflict it has caused with Captain Laerise Fierach. For reasons that were for a while beyond us, she seems to take a special dislike for me and the fact that Mitara and I are together. After skirting on the wrong side of the line separating decency and insubordination, I decided that I had to control myself rather than let her constant jabs about my race, class and former affiliation with the Ordo get to me. Still, the situation is more complicated than that. Mitara told me something about her having a 'bad experience' with another Ni-Kunni man from the Ordo, which might have explained her attitude towards me. I was immediately stunned when I could only name one other Ni-Kunni in the whole Ordo; Sepherim himself. I found it interesting to find that Laerise had a human side to her, but also disconcerted that somehow Sepherim had wounded it. I questioned him about it when I had the opportunity. He in fact spoke very highly of her, and I must admit he changed my opinion of her somewhat. Still, while I might want to make peace, I think it is just safer to avoid her forked tongue for now.
Apart from my very different Captains, I have had only a little bit of contact with my fellow junior officers in PIE. I suppose now an exception to that is Shalee Lianee. I had been avoiding her like the plague for reasons I'd rather not elaborate on, but recently a few things have happened. Mitara and I were speaking one night and she expressed concern about something Shalee had confided in her. She thought I could perhaps speak with the Lieutenant and try to befriend her, as she seemed to be not as popular in that department as in certain others. I was not keen on the idea, but for Mitara I had to try. So, a week or two later I found Shalee at the Basilica and attempted to strike up a conversation. A very forced conversation, and I made it plain that it was such. Long story short, I offended her, she insulted me (and indirectly Mitara) and left for the gardens in an over-emotional huff. I did not much like that encounter, but oddly enough it changed my opinion of her for the better. Later that night I tried to apologize to her for the way I was, but she simply stared at me like I killed her dog. At that point I began to dislike her for an entirely different reason. No matter, I thought, I just simply had to go on avoiding her. And now it would be much easier.
Eventually she apologized for that in a letter. I appreciated the gesture, but my stance with her did not change. Until one particularly foul night we went on a patrol together. I had never lost two of my finest ships in one night, but so it happened that my Omen Navy Issue and Pilgrim were felled by filthy, craven pirates looking for a thrill. I felt too sick over the crews and the indignity of defeat to be angry after that. I went to the Basilica to clear my head, and failed at that endeavor. Shalee found me pacing by the fountain, herself in a mood because she had lost an Arbitrator. After snapping me out of my haze unceremoniously she practically ordered me to follow her. I hesitated, pondering on the wisdom of that, but in the end my curiosity got the better of me. So we met. And now I think we have some common ground. I think our new project might just be some fun. If, that is, the war ever lets us get to it.
Eventually she apologized for that in a letter. I appreciated the gesture, but my stance with her did not change. Until one particularly foul night we went on a patrol together. I had never lost two of my finest ships in one night, but so it happened that my Omen Navy Issue and Pilgrim were felled by filthy, craven pirates looking for a thrill. I felt too sick over the crews and the indignity of defeat to be angry after that. I went to the Basilica to clear my head, and failed at that endeavor. Shalee found me pacing by the fountain, herself in a mood because she had lost an Arbitrator. After snapping me out of my haze unceremoniously she practically ordered me to follow her. I hesitated, pondering on the wisdom of that, but in the end my curiosity got the better of me. So we met. And now I think we have some common ground. I think our new project might just be some fun. If, that is, the war ever lets us get to it.
Where could I begin on that? I will not even bother, the situtation is such a travesty. For now I wish to concentrate on what I have that is good, rather than over-extended lines and a newly invigorated (or simply enraged) enemy. Electus Matari cannot take away my personal happiness, at least.
*A scribbled note at the bottom of the entry seems to have been left a bit after it was completed.*
Mitara has won the the Officer of the Year award!
I must do something special for her.
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